Have you ever wondered if communication affects your marriage?
Well that is a question that I ask myself often. Am I saying the right things to my husband, does what I say get across to him effectively? I believe the key to knowing if what you are saying is effective or not is by the reaction or action that follows the request you made. I can remember a time early in my marriage where I would say things to my husband and because I said them wrong, an argument began and it quickly escalated into something it shouldn’t have been. Not because what I said was incorrect but because how I said it was incorrect.A lot of couples deal with the problem of improper communication, as children we learn communication from our parents and other couples that are around us and if arguing is what we saw coming up then that is what we thought proper communication was. But I am here to say that will never work and your marriage can’t reach its God given potential with old school teaching. Lets find out the different areas of communication.
The first area is instrumental. Instrumental communication is the exchange of factual information that enables individuals to fulfill common family functions such as telling your husband that you will pick up his dry cleaning on the way home. The second area is affective. Affective communication is the way individual family members share their emotions with one another such as telling your husband you are happy about the increase you received at work.
There are also four styles of communication that either you may exhibit or your husband may exhibit.
Clear and Direct Communication
Clear and direct communication is the healthiest form of communication and occurs when the message is stated plainly and directly to the appropriate family member. An example of this style of communication is when a husband, disappointed about his wife’s promise to pick up the children after work, states, "Honey, I'm disappointed that you forgot to pick up the children like I asked you to do.”
Clear and Indirect Communication
In this second style of communication, the message is clear, but it is not directed to the person for whom it is intended. Using the previous example, the husband might say, "It's disappointing when people forget to do what they say they will do." In this message the wife may not know that her husband is referring to her.
Masked and Direct Communication
Masked and direct communication occurs when the content of the message is unclear, but directed to the appropriate family member. The husband in this example may say something like, "Honey, people just don't work as hard as they used to."
Masked and Indirect Communication
Masked and indirect communication occurs when both the message and intended recipient are unclear. In unhealthy family relationships, communication tends to be very masked and indirect. An example of this type of communication might be the husband stating, "The women of today are not like they used to be."
With all that being stated lets ask ourselves, how is my relationship with my husband? Does God get the glory out of everything I say? Do I feel closer or further away from my husband? What can I do to improve my relationship? The problem that I see that exists with many couples young and old is that they really don’t know how to effectively communicate with their spouse. They may think they do because there aren’t any arguments but there comes a point in your relationship where you want more substance. You want to know that your husband is being open and honest with you and that he isn’t building unhealthy relationships with other people due to a lack of proper communication with his wife. My honest opinion is that God wants a marriage to be built on love, trust, and proper communication. In order to change the world and be salt and light of the earth, we have to know how to properly communicate with those closest to us.
Here are a few ways to properly communicate:
Communicate Frequently
One of the most difficult challenges facing families today is finding time to spend together. With our busy schedules, it is difficult to find sufficient time to spend with one another in meaningful conversation. It is extremely important for couples to make time to communicate. Talk in the car; turn the TV off and eat dinner together; schedule informal or formal meetings to talk about important issues that affect your relationships. There are many creative ways to make time to communicate with other each other.
Communicate Clearly and Directly
Healthy couples communicate their thoughts and feelings in a clear and direct manner. This is especially important when attempting to resolve problems that arise between each other. Indirect and vague communication will not only fail to resolve problems, but will also contribute to a lack of intimacy and emotional bonding.
Be An Active Listener
An essential aspect of effective communication is listening to what others are saying. Being an active listener involves trying your best to understand the point of view of the other person. It is important to pay close attention to verbal and non-verbal messages. As an active listener, you must acknowledge and respect the other person's perspective. For example, when listening to a spouse, you should nod your head or say, "I understand," which conveys to the other person that you care about what he or she has to say. Another aspect of active listening is seeking clarification if you do not understand the other person. This can be done by simply asking, "What did you mean when you said?" or "Did I understand you correctly?"
Active listening involves acknowledging and respecting the other person's point of view.
In order for effective communication to take place within a marriage, you must be open and honest with one another. This openness and honesty will set the stage for trusting relationships. Without trust, couples cannot build strong relationships.
Think About the Person With Whom You Are Communicating
Not all couples communicate in the same manner or at the same level. It is important to take into consideration the ages and maturity levels of the other person. Some people cannot communicate with their mate on a higher intellectual level and you don’t want make it hard to understand your point.
Pay Attention to Non-Verbal Messages
In addition to carefully listening to what is being said, effective communicators also pay close attention to the non-verbal behaviors of the other person. For example, a spouse may say something verbally, but their facial expressions or body language may be telling you something completely different. In cases such as these, it is important to find out how the person is really feeling.
Be Positive
While it is often necessary to address problems between mates, or to deal with negative situations, effective communication is primarily positive. Marital researchers have discovered that unhappy marriage relationships are often the result of negative communication patterns (e.g., criticism, contempt, defensiveness). In fact, John Gottman and his colleagues have found that satisfied married couples had five positive interactions to every one negative interaction (Gottman, 1994). Couples who are very dissatisfied with their relationships typically engage in more negative interactions than positive. It is very important for family members to verbally compliment and encourage one another.
In conclusion, if you find that your marriage is not where it should be or you argue more than you do talk, pray and ask God to reveal where you may be incorrect and pray that God will reveal where your spouse is incorrect and ask that he may allow you both to take the time out to educate yourselves on how to properly communicate and how to practice those things on a daily basis. It’s not always easy and sometimes I struggle but I am reminded that through God all things are possible and if I want a healthy relationship with my husband, I have to proactively attempt to correct me, I have to practice on a daily basis that I will listen to my husband and take his thoughts and feelings into consideration and I promise that God will work out the rest.
For more information on the topic of communication, please feel free to contact me at mrscaston@gmail.com.
posted by Demetra @ 1:46 PM
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